The CyberAbs are coming! A warning from JAMIE GLACKIN


For longer than we can remember, the people of Aberdeen have been subjugated by its larger neighbour, Scotland. Too long have we been robbed of our natural resources – our beloved gas and oil is pumped away like the tax revenue that could be ours to build things like schools and hospitals, care for the elderly, books for libraries etc. All in that foreign abomination Scotland. As our oppressive neighbour grows fat on our carbon-rich and finite resources, the people of Aberdeen have been left to themselves to sort out the mess in the local council, starved of even basic funding from our overlords in Holyrood despite year-on-year increases.

I tell you, fellow Northern Lighters, the day is coming when we shall ask the question of the people of Aberdeen: “Do you want an independent Aberdeen? Yes or No?”

Of course, we cannot say when this historic day will be, or what it will mean exactly, but we can assure you that between now and then we will not be remotely concerned about emptying bins or keeping roads open in winter. Oh no, we shall be making the case for independence, day and night! Thanks to our highly sophisticated communications team, we will be bang on the mark, speaking with one voice. There will be no dissent or differences of opinion within our ranks. Because we desire liberation from our Scottish Oppressors above all things, we are willing to put our actual political views, no matter how barmy, to one side in the pursuit of that goal.

To those who seek to frighten and intimidate the people of Aberdeen, your time is up. Anyone who offers any alternative to full independence will be painted as irredeemably negative. Politicians and activists of foreign parties be warned: you will be subjected to torrents of abuse through every social media network. When you wake up in the morning, our CyberAbs will have left some really constructive arguments in your inbox!

But how will we survive without our abusive neighbour you may not ask? Clearly there are issues that have to be resolved. As Aberdonian companies were in no way responsible for the financial crisis that crippled foreign banks like RBS and HBOS, we will not be taking any share of Scotland’s debt. Indeed, they owe us money! Similar sized countries like Lichtenstein and the Vatican don’t have any debts and are beyond reproach financially. And neither, dear friends, will we.

As for the precious black stuff, we will guard it with our lives. An Independent Aberdeen and our fellow OPEC nations (Orkney, Shetland etc,) will build an Arc of Prosperity that will last a thousand years. You see, we know that you’re hooked on the stuff, so we will happily supply it at premium rates, fuelling inflation in your own negative economies. We will attract foreign investment away from Scotland and other countries by lowering corporation tax to almost zero, ensuring the funds that they need to support a welfare state and health service in the common good instead comes to us in record amounts. We wouldn’t normally be so hard-nosed about this, but as we have nothing remotely in common with the rest of Scotland it doesn’t really bother us. Sorry.

And when our Black Gold runs out? We will of course control all of the wind, tidal and wave resource. Our vast renewables potential is in no way overestimated and the colossal returns that we get from you for our oil will build Mega Turbines, thousands of miles out to sea in Aberdeen waters where we can easily bring that power ashore through yet-to-be-invented technology. To those from the foreign fishing fleets from Angus and Fife – you can forget stealing our plentiful supplies of cod and haddock. Oh no, our naval fleet will be on you like a shot!

Of course, we fully intend to apply to become full members of the EU, and to join the incredibly successful single currency. We cannot imagine any legitimate reason why the Council of Ministers could possibly see that as a bad thing and use their veto. We will be happy to hand responsibility for our courts directly to our kinsmen in Strasbourg, rather than see our long standing traditions being trodden over by an Aberdonian, who has no knowledge of Aberdeen’s Laws and Customs, despite being a member of the Aberdeen Bench for many years.

Whilst the negative among you will no doubt think all this ridiculous, then you have simply failed to understand how a well worked and positive campaign works. One that doesn’t raise our core ambition at all can work wonders come election day. And don’t even think about trying to come up with something that matches the ambitions of Aberdeen. We already know the answer and are unwilling to listen to the question.

In the meantime, I will be expending a great deal of effort on behalf of the People of Aberdeen. Mostly at Holyrood discussing our terms. Ironically, I quite like it there.

Jamie Glackin is a member of Labour’s Scottish Executive Committee. He drinks far too much coffee. Follow Jamie on Twitter at @Jamie4Labour.